Stifling Musings
by Paranoid Crack Abuser
Summary: She wouldn't have let death claim her if it couldn't damn him as well.


Of course I don't own Death Note or Inuyasha, otherwise this stuff would be on TV :/

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_Stifling Musings_

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She was drowning.

It wasn't the metaphorical "Ah, I can't breathe cuz some emotional bullshit is filling mah lungs".

She was drowning in the literal sense, with water towering above her and gravity pulling viciously at her with its claws.

Or maybe it wasn't gravity. It could've been the rat bastard death god.

It could have been the cunning Light.

It could have been the ignorant Matsuda.

It could have been the ditzy Misa.

It could have been the elusive L.

Or maybe it was just gravity.

It was getting colder. It touched her bones. She felt it.

She could feel everything.

She could feel the patient rocks waiting for her at the floor of the water. She could feel the fish that scurried away from her foreign ripples. She could feel the infinite bubbles as sharp as knives.

She could even feel the cold hand of Light at the top of the bay. She wondered whether his hand was reaching for her, hesitantly, but the prick of regret would have been there. Or maybe he was waving goodbye to her, mocking her.

But no, there was no mockery.

He had to know.

_He had to know. _

After all the tribulations he had gone through to get rid of her, this final ending couldn't be enough. There had to be something more to it. There _had_ to be something more to it. He had to know. He was smarter than that. There was no end to things. Things never ended. Even after their presence fades, there was always the after. The after grief, the after shock—it didn't matter. Her after would clamor behind him; she was sure of it.

She wouldn't have let death claim her if it couldn't damn him as well.

This thought made her laugh, because it was that moment that she remembered a past that had remained where it should have. It reminded her of happy times and blood and flowers and stars. It reminded her of pale skin—and she wondered if her skin was becoming as pale—and how her hands desired to damn.

But wasn't it different? Kikyo had wanted to condemn Inuyasha, a being she loved and a being who loved her. She wanted to drag him to hell and wanted him to suffer alongside her.

So… she really was no different. She wanted to damn a man she had cared about and who cared about her.

She wondered if Kikyo would have laughed at the irony, whether Kikyo laughed at all. She wondered if these satisfied feelings had run through Kikyo when she had died as well, knowing of her doom but content with the fact that she had triumphed in the end. Inuyasha would never get the jewel. Light would never become a god.

It didn't matter that Inuyasha had truly been innocent, but then again, was Light not innocent as well? A man who might've been as pure as Inuyasha. A being that was corroded with the darkness of the world and was guilty of no longer understanding the difference between right and wrong. Innocent.

So all those thoughts her fifteen-year-old self had once dwelled on—that she would never do such a thing to anyone, _especially Inuyasha_, were now laughing at her.

It didn't matter. They could laugh all they wanted. She could resemble Kikyo more than ever, an idea she had once resented, but now accepted. She never wanted to be like Kikyo, but she understood. She understood. She _understood_.

She wondered if the dead priestess would smile.

It didn't matter anymore. None of it did. All that mattered was the after.

All of this suffocating and water and rocks and sky were so that he would fall. He had to fall. All that was left was for the pieces to accumulate.

She had no worries though. L would know. He would know. _He had to know._

She couldn't really see anymore. Things were translucent and intangible and bright and her chest was warm.

She wondered if L would really understand. If he would ever fully understand what had happened. If he would figure it out. If this one answer would resolve everything.

If he came to the conclusion, to the messages she had left in her wake, he would know.

L had been right. He had always been right.

She could see him. She could see the bastard death god Ryuk. She could always see him. Following Light. Following his shadow. Following his death.

_It is him, it is him, it is him…_

A direct slam-down answer would have never sufficed, and would have poked too many questions and shredded at her secrets. He could never know. They could never know. She was never a priestess. She never fought demons. She didn't have powers. She couldn't see the shinigami.

She couldn't see him with Light. She couldn't see him laughing while L's accusations were denied.

If only _they could see too._

But Light was a clever bastard.

And she knew from the beginning—the instant he knew her secret, it would be over for her.

Kind of like it was over for her now.

But she knew this and she played his game. She played it cleverly. She had been so cunning that Naraku would have been proud of her.

L would connect the clues. He'd trace her every action after this and he'd find the answer.

Light knew getting rid of her was risky, but he had no choice, did he? _She could see him_. He thought that she'd take her secret to the grave.

But he had to know she hadn't. He had to know that she would leave L the upper hand and not him.

Or maybe he didn't know. Maybe he thought she really did love him. Maybe he thought he was her Inuyasha. Maybe he thought she had gone down easy out of love for him.

Maybe he thought she was stupid.

But she wasn't. She had been wily. She had kissed him like she would have the man she loved. She had kissed them the way she might have kissed Ryuzaki if the circumstances had been different. He had to think she loved him. Light had to believe she loved him—loved him enough to worship his ideals.

So he wouldn't know. He wouldn't know what she had done. Or he wouldn't know what she had done by doing what he done.

Her demise would give L the answers.

Death by drowning; suffocation. She wondered why Light picked such a way. She wondered if he might've have really liked her back. She wondered what went through his head as he wrote her name into his cursed book. She wondered if Ryuk had laughed while he did it.

Ryuk knew what she had done. Of course he knew. It didn't matter anymore. The deed was done the instant her name was written.

_L would know. L would know. L would know. _

By now there were seconds.

She couldn't feel anymore.

She wondered whether she'd end up in heaven or hell.

She wondered if she could watch the battle from the afterlife.

She wondered if Inuyasha had really died.

She wondered if she would meet him.

If she would meet Ryuzaki, too, after all of this.

She wondered if he'd tell her his name.

She might even meet Light as well.

She wondered if he'd apologize to her.

Or maybe he'd be angry with her for choosing L over him.

For letting him lose.

_Shh…_

She really did think too much.

It's over now.

She wondered if anyone would feed her cat when she was gone…

* * *

Because she's Kagome and she loves her cat so yes it had to end like that.

In a stupid way to say: I have never drowned before, but during anime scenes the character seems to have these quiet thoughts. Kagome is my favorite character, and I wanted to play on Kikyo comparison a bit, but somehow I started writing a Death Note crossover and wedged both of them together.

Feedback would be great. I'd love to know opinions on Kagome's thoughts.

Till the next one :)


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